Finding Things in Common

by Aleta Kay



Is your family so busy going in different directions you don’t have time to spend together? Are your finances so tight you can’t afford to go anywhere? Believe me, I understand. Here are some ideas to relieve the stress and get your family back together.

First of all, do what a lot of ministers do: set aside one night a week where you don’t answer the phone, don’t answer the door, don’t allow interruptions. This is family night and nothing else is allowed to intrude. Of course, keep the answering machine on in case of emergency, but make sure it is just for emergencies–just for that one night.

Ask the kids for some ideas of things they would like to do. Get to learn some of the video games they like to play. Even if they seem silly to you, play with them. Or play a board game, a word game, put a jigsaw puzzle together, build a Lego tower, or play a card game.

If none of those things appeal to any of you, go for a drive to a park. Pack a picnic lunch. Go to a lake and take some inner tubes or something to play with in the water.

Play a game that will help you get to know your kids. Choose one person a week to be the king or queen of the week and ask that person questions about what they like, what they don’t like, what their friends have in common with them, where they like to go, what they think they would like to do with their lives. Keep everything positive.

Have a family night where one of the kids, or someone other than the usual person chooses the meal and gets to help prepare it.

More ideas next time.

More Ways to Spice up Your Marriage

by Aleta Kay

Even though Christmas is a ways off, it’s not too soon to think of some ways to start new traditions and make the season more fun. I think back to my favorite Christmases and some fond memories. We had two traditions: a drive to look at outdoor Christmas decorations in a different neighborhood every year, and a second tradition that requires some explanation.

For most of our married lives my husband has scattered poetic clues under the tree, on the tree, in a card, or in a package, and usually using more than one of these spots to hide my clues. One year he even got the kids in on my surprise. Tom had asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said a blender. When I got up Christmas morning there was a long package that was wide on end and kind of narrow on the other. It had my name on it and I tried very hard to not show my disappointment. It obviously was not a blender. I opened it and discovered a snow brush at one end and an ice scraper at the other. It would definitely come in handy on those cold West Virginia mornings. I almost missed the little piece of paper with a clue written on it. It led me to a small box wrapped in plain brown paper. I was almost offended when I saw its contents: half a jar of honey and an individual size box of corn flakes. My face must have showed my bewilderment as my sweet husband handed me a Christmas card. It said something cute about being able to whip up something in the kitchen but I was so chagrined I didn’t get the message. Tom looked at our two kids and said, “It went right over her head, didn’t it?” They both agreed it had. I looked at the poem again and it hit me: the items in the box went with whatever was in the kitchen.

My blender was on the kitchen table, the recipe book open to a page that used those corn flakes and honey. I quickly whipped it up but nobody liked it. Oh, well. I had my blender.

These days the kids are grown and our daughter has a family of her own. My husband still leaves me clues to find my gift. Why break such a fun tradition? 



How to Spice Up Your Marriage

by Aleta Kay



After a few years of marriage, raising kids, and struggling to pay bills, my marriage counselor suggested I do something to spice up our marriage. I had always thought the husband (or whoever the primary bread-winner was) should take care of planning getaways and vacations. I didn’t have a clue what to do. How would I pay for something since I didn’t have an income of my own and Tom handled the checkbook?

We lived in West Virginia and there is a lot of history there. There are also many beautiful parks and many things to see and do. I went to the library and found some brochures. I found that Grand View State Park has an outdoor amphitheater that produces a few plays throughout the summer and fall season. Two of those plays have to do with West Virginia history–something we would both enjoy.

Our anniversary was coming up so I called the tourism office and got the price for dinner and the play for two. I found someone who was willing to watch the kids overnight. Then I looked at the checking account and figured I could write out the check at the grocery store for twenty dollars over each week for the next three weeks and that would be enough to cover everything. When I had the money saved, I let Tom know. It was the weekend before our anniversary. He was so excited and we had a great anniversary. The kids enjoyed staying with their cousins overnight. It was memorable and fun.

Why Do Relationships Sour Part 2

Life isn’t about rules. That doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Unfortunately, because we are human and prone to make mistakes, we have to have rules. We are selfish by nature. Selfishness can take on many forms. Sometimes we nag our loved ones to take care of themselves, to take their medicine, to stop smoking, to exercise, eat right, etc. We tell ourselves we nag because we care. Is it possible that the real reason is that we want to be in control? Is it because we want to believe we know what’s best for someone else? What if the situation was reversed? What if it was the other person nagging us to do those things? If we won’t listen to our doctors’ guidelines for good health, why would we listen to someone else? No, we would balk and get mad.

When Tom and I were having our problems, it took a lot for the Lord to show me how selfish I had been. It never occurred to me to think about how Tom felt, after a hard day’s work, to walk in the door and hear me yelling at our son–almost every day. It never occurred to me to wonder how he felt when I put myself down. My thoughts were filled with my day, my frustrations, my disappointments and failures. If we passed by a nice house and I said it was pretty he felt like he wasn’t providing a nice enough home for us. I liked our mobile home but it didn’t come through to him.

When I put myself down it was like putting him down for marrying a loser. It made him feel helpless, small and inadequate. When he heard me complain about little things that I let ruin my whole day or yell at our little boy non-stop it made him feel like leaving and never coming back. My selfishness was a major problem in our marriage, and for nine years I had been blind to it.

Pride is selfishness. Did you ever notice that “I” is the middle letter in that word? A negative self-image is just as prideful as arrogance and conceit. The more we put others first and our own feelings and agendas last, the happier we, and those around us, will be.

How Badly do I Want My Marriage to Work?

by Aleta Kay

To continue from yesterday, how was I going to fix my marriage if Tom didn’t care? I needed help. I talked to Tom about marriage counseling. He said he didn’t have a problem; he wasn’t going. If I thought I needed help, go for it. I found a Christian counselor who was willing to work with our finances. He recommended a book by Frank Minirth and Paul Meier called, “Happiness is a Choice.”  I had to learn to like myself, the person I was, my character. I also dove into a book by Evelyn Christensen called, “Lord, Change Me.”  These two books helped me to see myself and how I treated other people. I had thought I was a “good” or “nice” person. Maybe so, but there was a lot of room for improvement.

One of the things that the Lord drilled into my head was repeated in four different verses in Proverbs: Proverbs 12: 4; 19:13; 21:9, 19. They say that a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband, but she that makes ashamed as is rottenness in his bones, and that it is better for a man to dwell in the corner of a rooftop than in a wide house with a brawling woman. I wanted to be a virtuous woman. I couldn’t change my husband. The only person I could change was me. I asked the Lord to make me the kind of wife Tom needed.

I read Proverbs 31:10 through the end of the chapter, I Peter 3:1-6, I Corinthians 13:4-8a, and Colossians chapter 3. I began taking Tom a cup of coffee in bed every morning. I gave my temper to the Lord and asked him to replace it with his peace and joy. It took three years to convince Tom that this time I really had changed. I didn’t demand anything from him, neither did I deny him anything. I was not going to give him any reason to look elsewhere for what he should only be getting from me. Slowly he began to tear down the wall he had built around his heart. He learned to trust and love me again. What joy! We have been married thirty eight years and are happier now than we could ever have imagined. Praise the Lord!



I Don’t Love You Anymore!

By Aleta Dye



It was post-Army 1980. Tom had been out of the army about six months. We had just moved into our brand new mobile home and were getting things situated. It was a late night and we were all tired, and I was yelling at the kids. Tom was upset with my yelling and went outside. When he came back in he yelled at me for the first time in our eight or nine years of marriage and said, “I don’t love you anymore! I don’t care if you stay or if you go. All you are is a convenience to me: someone to wash my clothes, take care of the kids and put food on the table. If you want to leave, go, but you’re not taking the kids. I won’t have them raised by your constant nagging and complaining. If you stay you’ll have a roof over your head, a place to sleep and clothes to wear. Beyond that, don’t expect anything from me.”

I could have crawled into a shell and felt sorry for myself. I could have tucked my tail and quit, and found another place to live. But I knew he didn’t wake up one morning and decide he didn’t want to love me anymore. What had I done to create or contribute to this problem? I went to my room and began to cry and weep and pray. I asked God to show me what I had done.

He had a long list of things I had done. Tom was right: I had been a whining, nagging, complaining woman. I had been self-centered, hard to please, and very negative.  In response, he had turned his feelings off toward me. It was easier to do that than put up with a woman he couldn’t please. I had hurt him badly for years. He had tried to tell me earlier in our marriage how he felt and I would change for a while, but revert right back to my old ways. Would I be able to undo the damage I had done? Find out next blog.

How Good are Your Communication Skills?

by Aleta Kay

I work at a business where I take calls from people who are sometimes very agitated. The other day one of those customers was patiently trying to procure a service but there was going to be some out of pocket expense. His wife was in the background elling at him, telling him how stupid he was, what an idiot he was, and he should have done what she told him to do two weeks ago. He wasn’t the one yelling; she was.

I wondered as I listened if she was trying to get him to file for a divorce because she certainly didn’t sound like a woman who wanted to be married to her husband. I wonder how she would have responded if he, or anyone had talked to her that way? I also wondered if they had children, and if so, what is she teaching them about marriage by her example?

Our tongues are such unruly creatures. I’m sure all of us at one time or another have said things in anger we would never have said otherwise. How is it that we speak to harshly to people we claim to love? Why do we destroy their souls with our words/ Once words are spoken they can’t be recaptured, and even if they are forgiven, the scars can linger a lifetime.

When you were first dating you were his cheerleader, is encourager, his ego-booster. Now all ou see are his faults. Why? Don’t you still need encouragement, gentleness, tenderness?

In our world where people are so quick to judge and criticize shouldn’t we be the spouses that build up our men? Home should be a place of safety and refuge, away from the pressures and demands of the world.

Here are some rules for arguing: 1) Avoid the use of the words “always” and “never.” They are both exaggerations and therefore never true. 2) Avoid accusatory statements like “You make me...” Your feelings are your responsibility. Nobody makes you mad; you choose to be mad. Instead say something like, “When you say or do, I feel...” Never say things you don’t mean. Say what you mean; mean what you say. 3) Give two positive statements before criticizing: “I really appreciate this about you,” or “I really like this quality in you.” then gently get into the complaint or criticism. 4) Never discuss things while you are angry. Try to see things from a different perspective. When you have calmed down, then discuss things. Be willing to listen and think about the other point of view.